What I’ve learned since I lost you..

Things I’ve learned since I lost you.

Life truly is too short. As cliche as this sounds it couldn’t be closer to the truth. In a blink of an eye you were gone.  There was no chance to say good bye, not a second chance to hug you or wait for a text back.  All that was left were the memories and an enormous hole in my heart.

We take our loved ones for granted.  I don’t care who you are or what you say, we all do it, you may think that you don’t but, you do.  I don’t care how much you claim to love your mom dad, brother, sister, uncle, grandpa, grandma..etc.  When was the last time you spent a whole day with them?  When was the last time you told them you loved them, just because?  We let time pass between us and the ones we love without even thinking twice about it.  Make time for them.  No matter how little you “have to spare” because, the problem is we always think that we will have more time but, you never know when the clock will run out.

We settle, we don’t start each day with great ambition.  So many of us fall into the habit of living complacent lives and not striving for more. Why?! Why don’t we get up every morning and start the day full of motivation to crush our goals like its the last day on earth.  Steve Jobs says it the best, That for 33 years he looked himself in the mirror everyday and said, “If today was the last day of my life would I want to do what I’m about to do?  and if the answer was ‘No’ too many days in a row I knew I needed a change”.  WHY DON’T WE ALL THINK LIKE THAT?! Instead we just fall into the same old routine and think we are “happy”.

We are afraid.  We are afraid of the unknown, of goodbyes, heartache, being alone, being left behind.  The list honestly seemed endless the first few days after you left.  I think some of the fear stemmed from the confusion of what do we do now?  Where do we go from here?  How do we move on with life when you’re no longer here?

It’s OK to cry.  I cried for days, then hours.  Then it was just in the shower so that no body would know. In the mornings while I was driving or really late at night.   After I had an exhausting week at work and honestly even in my chiropractors office, it’s every time I think of you, I cry.  You can probably guess that I am balling my eyes out while I write this..

It’s ok to be angry.  I don’t know if I have ever honestly been more angry in my entire life.  There were days when all I wanted to scream how unfair this all was.  That the last thing in the world those babies deserve is to grow up without you right there.  It’s still not fucking fair.

Heartbreak is a real thing.  I have never had my heart shattered into tinier pieces than when I found out about your accident.  Words really can’t describe the pain.  (I’ve tried I keep erasing the sentences) and almost two months after losing you, it still hurts just as much.

The love of a child can help heal your broken heart.  The one thing I can forever be grateful to you for are the 2 beautiful children you brought into this world.  As difficult as it is knowing that they have suffered the greatest loss of all, a piece of you is left behind within them.  We now get to teach them about what an amazing mother they have and luckily we have their big sister to help.

When your heart has been shattered into a million tiny pieces you try desperately to put it back together any way you can to make sense of the mess that has been made..but, when a precious and super sassy little 4 year old looks you in the face and says, “Aunt Stephie, I’m happy you’re here”, it helps to make it feel a little more whole again.

Mostly what I learned, is the day we lost you is the day the world became a little dimmer.  We lost a beautiful soul on this earth and we may not make sense of it today, tomorrow, or the next day but, some day it will all make sense. I not only lost one of my best friends but, a sister.  I will miss you everyday until we are reunited and I promise to be the best Aunt ever to your babies, I will do my best to show them love in all the ways that you would.

Gone from our lives but, not our hearts.  Rest in Peace sweet angel. I love you.